December 11, 2010

i’m sort of glad this is the only ‘safe’ haven i have left that very few people know about, more importantly a place that my school friends don’t know about.

i’ve been feeling out of sorts lately. partly out of fear of being a complete failure at life. the other part… that i will remain single and lonely for the rest of my life. all i see now are relationships popping up around me, left, right and centre, and needless to say i get insanely jealous, especially because of the tendency i have to think ‘what does she have that i don’t?’, ‘what makes her better than me?’, and the like. coupled with the fact that all i’ve ever attracted are weirdos who either think i’m easy or want in my pants, it really, really sucks.

i would to pretty much anything right now for someone to love me. and i don’t mean love me like a friend would or love me like my family does, but someone who would hold my hand when i need it, give me hugs just because (and i’ve been feeling hug deprived), and just text me random, sweet things just to make my day. even being able to fulfill one of those things would make me happier than i am now (i’m saying that if it’s going to be a long distance internet relationship and i don’t meet him in person until much later in life then so be it).

and i guess, it doesn’t help that i might kind of like a close friend (one who’s name doesn’t start with E), and i have no idea if the feeling’s mutual, even though we laugh every day, sit together almost every day, and do a lot of things together just because we are always in the same situation, whether we like it or not. i don’t want to think too much about it, in case i fall into the same hole i did half a year ago. sometimes, saying things straight up would be so much easier, even if it might be more painful.

I really hate life sometimes. June 22, 2010

Basically, that’s it.

I get accused of plagiarism on the internet, trashed for what I write.

I’m feeling spiritually dry, desert-dry, the worst I’ve ever been.

I don’t think I’m datable. My movie date of sorts has been postponed 5 times already. By the same guy.

Struggling March 14, 2010

I have plenty of this right now; on the internet, in church, in school, the list is endless. I’m trying so hard to live like a good person, or a person who’s respectable. It isn’t easy, but I’m glad there are still people who think I’m sincere and not the kind to intentionally hurt people or do things to upset them. That said, it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt people, although I tend to do that unknowingly.

From being trashed at on the internet, to struggling with losing myself just so I can be found again, and just coping with work in general, I can’t say life is really very fun at the moment. But oh well, I have to suck it up and just go with it. But it’s really really encouraging to know that people don’t always see me as a bad person despite how cold or aloof I may appear (this is what my mother tells me) or how sharp I am with my tongue. I’m glad there are still people who don’t know me that well who can see past all that.