i’ve been feeling out of sorts lately. partly out of fear of being a complete failure at life. the other part… that i will remain single and lonely for the rest of my life. all i see now are relationships popping up around me, left, right and centre, and needless to say i get insanely jealous, especially because of the tendency i have to think ‘what does she have that i don’t?’, ‘what makes her better than me?’, and the like. coupled with the fact that all i’ve ever attracted are weirdos who either think i’m easy or want in my pants, it really, really sucks.

i would to pretty much anything right now for someone to love me. and i don’t mean love me like a friend would or love me like my family does, but someone who would hold my hand when i need it, give me hugs just because (and i’ve been feeling hug deprived), and just text me random, sweet things just to make my day. even being able to fulfill one of those things would make me happier than i am now (i’m saying that if it’s going to be a long distance internet relationship and i don’t meet him in person until much later in life then so be it).

and i guess, it doesn’t help that i might kind of like a close friend (one who’s name doesn’t start with E), and i have no idea if the feeling’s mutual, even though we laugh every day, sit together almost every day, and do a lot of things together just because we are always in the same situation, whether we like it or not. i don’t want to think too much about it, in case i fall into the same hole i did half a year ago. sometimes, saying things straight up would be so much easier, even if it might be more painful.

I get accused of plagiarism on the internet, trashed for what I write.

I’m feeling spiritually dry, desert-dry, the worst I’ve ever been.

I don’t think I’m datable. My movie date of sorts has been postponed 5 times already. By the same guy.

From being trashed at on the internet, to struggling with losing myself just so I can be found again, and just coping with work in general, I can’t say life is really very fun at the moment. But oh well, I have to suck it up and just go with it. But it’s really really encouraging to know that people don’t always see me as a bad person despite how cold or aloof I may appear (this is what my mother tells me) or how sharp I am with my tongue. I’m glad there are still people who don’t know me that well who can see past all that.

I was at Macs studying today, and I witnessed quite a lot of crazy things today.

About a couple of weeks ago while I was studying at the library cafe, a Caucasian man walked in with a bag, and went round to every occupied table placing down a card and a key chain. The card read ‘I am deaf. Please help me by buying something, 1 for $6, 2 for $10. Thank you!’ in both English and Mandarin. After a round and no one responded, he took back all his cards and keychains and left.

Today, a Caucasian lady came and did the EXACT same thing. And the cards she used were the exact same ones the guy used, carrying the same message with the same yellow smiley on the top right corner of the card, and with keychains. She left after no one responded too.

My first theory was that they’re a couple masquerading as deaf folks trying to cheat people of their kindness. My dad suggested it might be a whole syndicate (after I told him what happened).

Something else happened too.

There were two girls sitting on my left, a table away and they were also studying. We were all on the upper deck of the second floor of Macs when this guy comes along, looks around, sits down at a chair, and then sits down next to the girls. He asked if they’ve seen a bag somewhere around, saying he’s lost his phone and wallet, and if he could borrow five dollars. Eventually they did lend him the money, and he offered to leave his number so they could call him and he could pay them back, but they didn’t take it. The guy left a while later, and I overheard the girls asking each other why he needs five dollars, ‘probably has a lot of calls to make or something’.

And then, I went downstairs to get some food, and he’s there, trying to cut my queue to order a coke. I was on my way back up when I saw him sitting down at a table with a sling pouch on him, holding a wallet and a wad of five dollar bills. I was SHOCKED. I went back upstairs and told them they probably weren’t the only ones whom the dude ‘borrowed’ money from, and told him he was downstairs with a wallet and a stack of fives.

One of the girls went downstairs under the guise of buying an apple pie, and when she came up she confirmed to her friend that he was really there, only she didn’t dare ask him for the money back.

My parents said they should have just called the police. His actions were suspicious enough, considering that I had a staring match with him before he sat down with the two girls, and I continued staring at him after that. If he really needed the money, why couldn’t he ask someone else, say an adult sitting on the lower deck before he came up to the upper deck? He probably wasn’t working alone, because he had his bag and wallet with him after that.

Guys, seriously. Watch out for people like that. It’s a lot worse than it really sounds, believe me.

As for me, I’m just glad that I was already suspicious right from the start.

It wasn’t the most important of posts, neither was it significant news or whatever. But because someone posted earlier on OMNTD a YT video of Teletubbies dancing to RDD. Then I remembered watching a YT video of Teletubbies dancing to Sorry Sorry. So I figured, might as well post it and share it.

MY POST GOT REJECTED. That’s not what I’m so butt-hurt about. Well I’m not exactly butt-hurt, just indignant at the double standards.

“Fanmade videos can be posted at omona_lounge.”

HELLO WHAT. YOU LET SOME DOUCHE POST THAT STUPID TELETUBBIES RDD VIDEO AND YOU GIVE ME A STUPID REASON LIKE THAT?

I bet it’s one of the new mods. I can’t be bothered telling the mods I know about this, because it’s just not that important. But seriously though, OMNTD is just not a fun place to be anymore with all the behind-the-scenes drama that I know, and somehow I get the impression that the selection of mods depends on how close you are to a current mod. Hur.

I’ll just stick with watching from the bleachers and let the world go by.

DNW this dream. I’ve long gotten over him. DNW. It’s not going to make me feel better about starting school.

From left to right,

Front row: (seated) Sungmin, Donghae, Hangeng, Siwon

Second row: (seated) Eunhyuk, Kibum

Third row: (standing) Kangin, Kyuhyun, (seated) Heechul, (standing) Yesung, Shindong

Back row: (standing) Ryeowook, Eeteuk (leader!)

I spent a good half an hour today getting acquainted with the world’s biggest (literally) boy band. 13 boys, and I could recognise 9 of them to begin with. What was left was just Sungmin, Kibum, Ryeowook, Donghae and Hangeng that I had problem with. But it’s all good now~

I think Kyuhyun is EXTREMELY cute. I’d point out which one Kyu is, but I hope it’s obvious enough, the way I labelled them.

This song is pretty catchy too, although there’s this one song I want to share that I really like but I can’t seem to upload it ):

1. Do you need him/her to be good looking?
He already is, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

2. Smart?
Smarter than I am. 142 IQ OMG.

3. Preferred age?
23. 24 in Korean years.

4. Preferred height?
184cm. He’s a tall boy.

5. How about sense of humor?
He’s a little stiff when he has to tell a joke, but he’s a real goofball without trying.

6. How about piercings?
A few, but I think I have more.

7. Accepts you for who you are?
OH YES PLEASE.

8. Pink hair?
NAWWWH. Not pink. I wouldn’t allow it anyway.

9. Mushy or no?
Sometimes. He’s too 남자 to afford it all the time.

10. Thin or fat?
Neither. He’s perfect.

11. Black, Brown or White (skin color)?
Brown like a nut!

12. Long hair or short hair?
Decent enough in both, but I prefer short hair.

13. Plastic or metal?
What?

14. Smells good?
He smells of strawberries when he comes out from the bath.

15. Smoker?
No.

16. Drinker?
Social drinker like me :D

17. Girl/Boy-next-door type?
He could pass off as one if he ditched the make up.

18. Muscular?
OMG WHAT A STUPID QUESTION. HIS ARMS AND ABS AND CHEST AND HOMYGAWD EVERYTHING.

19. Plays piano?
No.

20. Plays bass and/or acoustic guitar?
No, but I don’t quite care.

21. Plays violin?
No.

22. Sings very good?
Naaaaah. I’d be lying if I said he did.

23. Vain?
Not remotely.

24. With glasses?
HE’S SUCH A QT IN GLASSES PLEASE.

25. With braces?
Nope, he had his teeth rearranged the faster way.

26. Shy type?
Sometimes, around girls! >:D

27. Rebel or good boy/girl?
Good boy. I like my boys well-behaved.

28. Active or passive?
Active.

29. Tight or bomb?
Whuuuuuuuuuut?

30. Singer or dancer?
Oh both, but definitely the dancer.

31. Stunner?
OH LAWD YES.

32. Hiphop?
Definitely.

33. Earrings?
Black studs.

34. Mr/Ms. count-my-ex-until-you-drop?
Naaah.

35. Dimples?
Not really, but his smile is precious enough ♥

36. Bookworm?
YESSS! LIKE ME!

37. Mr/Ms. love letter?
He’s quite a romantic ♥

38. Playful?
Yes :)

39. Flirt?
Not really (+10 points!)

40. Poem writer?
He could do it if he had the time to.

41. Serious?
Definitely. Very responsible chap /nod nod

42. Campus crush?
THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD.

43. Painter?
Naaaah. Although it’s a nice thought.

44. Religious?
Yes! Which my dad doesn’t like ):

45. Someone who likes to tease people?
Maybe.

46. Computer games geek? Or internet freak?
Neither. I do all the internet things on his behalf :D

47. Speaks 20 languages?
No, but he’s got a cute accent when he speaks Korean.

48. Loyal or faithful?
Loyal and faithful to the end.

49. good kisser?
OH YES.

50. loves children?
THIS 바보 WANTS 25 KIDS PLEASE. That’s 2 football teams, 1 referee, 2 linesmen, and a 4th official!

TEN RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME
1. I have 5 ear piercings, and I want more.
2. I also want a tattoo in future. On my wrist and my ankle. Wait, that makes two tattooes.
3. I like to think of myself as a rebel, but at the end of the day I can’t bring myself to really rebel.
4. I have a motorcycle burn just above the inside of my right ankle. That’s what happens when you don’t keep still while pillioning at the age of twelve.
5. I can never sustain a tan, and I never apply enough suntan/sunblock. I end up burning, peeling and reverting back to my usual fairness.
6. I had a friend who called me manly just because I’m hairier that most girls.
7. I tend to subconsciously trace out words/chinese characters/hangul if I hear something that catches my attention, be it in a song, a tv show or a conversation.
8. I don’t like to bawl when I cry. I prefer to just let the tears fall.
9. I’m toying with the idea of being a freelance writer, while being a genetic researcher at the same time.
10. I’m generally against the idea of homosexuality and bisexuality, but I don’t have anything against those who practice it.

NINE WAYS TO WIN MY HEART
1. Flowers. Roses. Red. I can’t help it. I’m a hopeless romantic.
2. Don’t expect to go far on a first date. I don’t appreciate wolves.
3. Converse with me. I like to talk a lot.
4. Be a gentleman, although I don’t mind playful teasing.
5. Tell me what you like.
6. It’s okay to be shy, because I find shyness very sweet.
7. Little loving gestures like a pat on the head and hugs.
8. Write to me if you can’t say it.
9. Spending time with me.

EIGHT THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Meet DBSK outside a fanmeet, on a personal basis.
2. Visit England.
3. Watch a Liverpool vs Everton/Liverpool vs Big Four match live at Anfield.
4. Be able to be fluent in Korean and Japanese (yes I want to learn Japanese too).
5. Own my own living space.
6. Live in Korea for a period of time.
7. Drop a dress size.
8. Go on a road trip.

SEVEN WAYS TO ANNOY ME
1. Stating the obvious.
2. Not taking the help I offer because you only seek self-pity.
3. Telling me everything I do/choose to do is bad just because it is out of your range of interest.
4. Insulting my family/friends.
5. Telling others about a problem you have with me behind my back.
6. Men who think women can’t survive without them.
7. Women who treat men like dirt.

SIX TURN ONS
1. Jung Yunho.
2. Killer smile (doesn’t matter to me if the teeth were rearranged, because I had mine done too.)
3. Muscular, but lean. Not like those bulky body builders with broad shoulders and tiny waists.
4. Making eye contact with me and maintaining it.
5. Body warmth.
6. Long neck.

FIVE THINGS I’M AFRAID OF
1. Losing those friends I hold dear to something other than death.
2. Finding that I’ve been living a lie.
3. Dying with regrets.
4. Being stalked.
5. Being stranded without any means of communication.

FOUR FAVORITE ITEMS IN MY ROOM (I know this is more than four, but who cares.)
1. My DBSK posters on my wall and in my cupboard, my Liverpool poster on my cupboard.
2. My laptop.
3. My messy book shelf with my favourite autobiography and recipe books, my 한국어 교과서, and my Mirotic Concertbook just next to it.
4. My bed. (It’s actually where I am when I get most of my ideas, which usually come when I wake up.)

THREE THINGS I DO EVERYDAY (apart from the necessities like eating, bathing)
1. Stalk my Livejournal and my LJ community
2. Tweet.
3. Think about my fanfiction.

TWO THINGS I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW
1. Finish this meme so I can get back to my chapter.
2. Eat another Korean BBQ meal (I just had one yesterday).

ONE PERSON I WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW
1. It’s a tie between two people (Even I’m surprised). FL and Yunho.

Sometimes I wonder if I really mean it when I say ‘I don’t care’, because it always seems like I do.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth getting upset over things like this.

Sometimes I wonder why I should have a heart for this.